I’m hoping that I’ll be able to blog at least once a week because I think it would be helpful to get things out

I had the amazing opportunity to talk with Linda Ravencroft this year and something that stuck me was what she said in her the talk she gave at FaerieCon.

Shine Brightly, so that the more you shine the more the darkness goes away. I think for a long time I’ve let the darkness overrun my life. It has only been in the last 2 years that I let myself shine. 2009 was and amazing year for of things I never thought possible.

I’m a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. What we do with it is up to us. I cherish my opportunity to talk  with her because her words filled my soul and recharged my batteries.

For once in a long time my life seems to be rolling  in the right direction. My creativity is growing. As chessey as it sounds my eyes have been bluer…

Here’s to 2010 make it be brighter, healthier, and happier!

Something new that I never expected is that I’ve taken up Running. I’ve stuck to going to the gym all year and my trainer still kicks my butt.

And I’m running my first 8K at the end of March!!!! I’m also walking the half marathon. My new fitness goal are to work my may up to running a marathon and hopefully qualify for the Boston Marathon.

That’s some craziness isn’t it?

My only goal this year is to have an even better 2009.

My blood pressure seems to be getting better, my weight is slow going down, my eating habits are slowly changing, and I’m trying to be more positive in the new year.

Also, I want to try to update my blogs more often. I’ve been toying with the idea of taking a pic each day and blogging a litte on my other blog fatmanshrinking. It is focused more on weight loss and health, but I haven’t given it any attention in 2008.

I’m really excited to see what 2009 has in store for me.

I’m tired of never wanting to wake up.  

I’m tired of wanting to cry for no reason.

I’m tired of being tired and not being able to do anything about it.

I do my best at getting out of my funk but it never gets to far out of sight. I talked with my counselor before Thanksgiving about it and made an interesting point. Being able to bring myself up is a good thing but am I doing anything about what is underneath.

I never thought of it that way. Yes I never let myself drop that far but maybe a need to hit the bottom in order to come back up. We also talked about the reoccuring theme in my life that is I’m not go enough or there is something wrong with me that denies me the right to be happy.

I never thought of it that way but it is sprinkled all over the place in my life. It is part of my in a way. It is part of my routine. I set myself up for failure so that it proves my misconception. If I fail then obviously something is wrong with me and it wasn’t meant to be.

What if it was? I almost broke down in tear last night at the gym because I was trying some positive self talk to help me better my time on the arch trainer and it hit me. I’m worth it. I doing this for me. Not to prove to other people what I can do, but to prove  to myself that I can do it. That I am capable of doing it.

Yet, even though I felt great last night I woke up same old self depress not wanting to wake up. Hating work. Is that an indicator that there is more to be worked on.

It makes me think. One book I read made such a profound statement. Words could not exist with out the spaces between, music can not exist without the pauses. I’m letting the space consume my life.

With life there is suffering so that we can recognize joy. Living in the past and clinging to the bad is only embracing the pauses in life instead of listening to the music in the world. I think I’ve been living in the pause of life instead of embracing the music.

I am not a faulty person who should be denied love and happiness. I have made my mistakes and will continue to make mistakes but that should not prove anything but that I am human.

I’m taking steps in the right direction.

I’m just going to try and listen to the music.

I should have figured I would be all sappy and depressed. One I’m not feeling well, not to bad just a little blah. Two I just watched Practical Magic on TV.

I love that movie and it has been forever since I’ve seen it. Granted I have it on DVD but there is something about seeing it on TV makes me want to watch it more.

Why do we as a society want to believe in fairy tales?

Rarely does anything end up like a romantic comedy. I so desperately want to believe that I will finally meet someone and have my fairytale ending. I’m not holding my breath. I know it will happen, I’m just tired of waiting.

On that note I know that I really need to get out and meet people, but I’m tired of people that are 1:only looking for sex. Yes it’s fun but it means nothing if it just for shits and giggles. 2: stupid skanks who can’t see the potential of a person unless it is wrapped in a mind numbing Ambercrombie and Fitch Polo.

Blah is all I have to say. I’m betting on me being the crazy bunny man living in the middle of no where with 100 angora rabbits.

Do fairy tales exist?

Doubt it

Yay! My yarn is dry and all wound up into balls and a couldn’t be happier. They are two completely different colors and I can’t wait to start making something out of it.

Originally uploaded by d_horsh

So can I just say that I’m totally addicted to dying my own yarn. These are the two skeins I dyed tonight that I picked up at the Mannings. I can’t wait til they dry and I can get them into balls so I can make fun things with them!

The first one was inspired by thistles and queen ann’s lace. The second one reminds me of a snow cone. I orginially was going for sunshine and blue skies.

I think that is why I love the whole process so much. You never know what you will get!

I forgot how much I enjoyed having time to talk to someone.

Even in the first session a lot of good topics came up. It is so hard to sum up what has happen in the last two years in just one hour.

I realize more than ever that the events of two years ago still have a choke hold on my on my life.

More so than I was really aware of

Just talking about things brought out so much emotion. Emotion that I probably haven’t let myself experience. I think I was close to tears at least 10 times in the course of the session. 

It was an amazing release. 

What was really amazing was the connects made between grad school and what occured today at work.

The first ball of crap was sitting in my email this morning. My boss sent out and email telling us that we need to come up with a presentation and go out to the local agencies and tell them about our program in order to bring in more people.

That’s cool and all it would be nice to get to know more about the different programs in the community but at the same time it isn’t rush week for the greek system on campus. People have to want to come to the program to work toward a goal, not for free internet access and arts and crafts.

Well are numbers are low right now and I guess that is the reason for the email, but it was done is such a way that it is either all or nothing. If we don’t do this we might lose are jobs. If we don’t have the numbers we get punished.

It kinda goes agianst the whole point of Psych Rehab. There needs to be a want to change. Sure we have 15 people come in each day, may one wants to change The other 14, they just want to use the internet. It’s just frustrates me because we have so many requirements that it is practically imposible.

My one ah ha moment was,This whole experience taped into my grad school junk. It made me to pissed off and irritable over stupid things a day. I actually just walked out of work about 30 mis early because I couldn’t take my coworker anymore.

The other ah ha moment is when I was talking about my disorder eating. My counseling posed this question.

What is it that you would feel if you didn’t eat whatever it is that I wanted to eat?

I’ve never asked myself that question. I questioned if I was eating because I was bored of depressed but  never what I’m a numbing.

Food has been my drug of choice.

It really opened my eye to a new idea.

I’ve been seriously thinking of having a different blog set up for weight loss and journalling my experiences. Maybe it will help others.

I just want to dig a hole crawl into it and cover myself up.

My car is a piece of shit and is probably going to cost me 1000 bucks when things are all said and done with.

I’ve been doing really well at keeping up with my bills but why does everything have to hit at once.

I say the same bill shit shooting rainbows out of your ass shit like

“You’re only given what you can handle”

I don’t think I can handle anymore

I just want to sleep but but I can’t stop my head from spinning

It has been kinda and up and down kinda emotional last week for me.

Saturday I participated in a 5K walk/run for the Cumberland Valley Breast Care Alliance. I don’t think that I was really prepared for the emotion that I felt that day.

I was proud of myself because I was doing something I didn’t think I would by actually do before, but there was so much more.

You kind of get caught up in the engery of something like that. People from all walks of life joined together to walk for a cause to raise money for a diease that rips away pieces of our society every day. Mother, sons daughters, fathers, men and women are affected everyday by cancer, if not directly, indirectly.

I know my mother has had some scares in her life which, even scares, have a lasting effect. Being there on that rainy Saturday was an expereince. To see the women who have survived, those strong women who beat the disease and who are still beating cancer. Every second, every day, every month they are living. It make you appriciate live even more.

It makes me want to hug every last one of them. It makes me want to hug my grandmother and mother even tighter.

Fitting it was they day before Mother’s Day.

Yet another emotionally charged day. I have come to the realization that I need to, I don’t want to say make things right, but reconnect with family. I think that I spent so much time pushy myself away I forgot why I started in the first place.

I think there is a big part of me that doesn’t feel I deserve it so I act in a way to support my self sabatoging behavior. I want to be taken care of but at the same time I want independance and my family has taken the full blow.

I taken them for granted way to often. For so long, I’ve wanted to change them. Make them fit my expectations.

That sounds so selfish.

This year in particular has been a weird year because I think I finally started seeing my parents through adult eyes. I know that I will always be their little boy, but I think the transition is finally taking place. I’m allowing it to happen, finally growing up.

My mother had a major surgery to resurface her knee, or what they like to say knee replacement. She ended up having complication, nothing major, just her stay and recovery have been a little longer that they expected.

The mental recovery has been far more complicated. My mother has been dealing with depression, quietly, for many years. Living on a cocktail of anti-depressants, quietly dealing with things afriad to reach out to anyone. I think she just learned to live with it adapt to it the best she could.

It all started when the job she had for 20 years closed and she had to find another job. I don’t think she was ever really happy since then. Now closing in on 60 she is facing a another crossroads. She is trying to get on disablity because of her knees. I’m pretty much her only support because my grandmother and father I don’t really know how to deal with the situation. They see it as being lazy and quitting, when it is 58 years of baggage and low self esteem paired with medical problems and going back to a job that she hates.

I had my mother tell that she has changed. She doesn’t want to be here anymore. Of course my mother’s lovely sense of timing, she tells me this after she randomly show up to my work for lunch. Drops the I want to die bomb and drops me off at work. But that is another story for another time.

I wanted to make this mother’s day special for her because the last 6 months haven’t been the easiest. When it comes to mother’s day card and cards in general I kinda have ADHD. Short and sweet, that is what works for me. If the card is a book, the little monkey with the cymbols  will start up.

I’ve been meaning to write both my mother and father letters. just verbalizing a lot of different things that go unsaid. So I took this moment to tell my mom what I hold back on saying. It was all good. Not you never let me play with barbies so I know I want to dress up like a southern belle  kind of unsaid issues.

Actually she really didn’t say much when I did play with barbies. But that is a different issues all together.

It was a very heart felt card thanking her for being a awesome mom, because really she is, and a care of hope. Life comes at us fast. There are ups and downs and it is easy to get carried under. I wanted her to know that with every down swing the is an up swing and I am there for her.

I was surprised how emotion it was for me to write out the card. How emotional it was for me to release.

Why is it so hard to bring out the negative and so hard to say I love you and talk about the positive?

I tell my mom I love you all the time but there is that hurried nature to it. When I’m running out the door to go back to my place, or when I’m ending a phone conversation. It feels lessened even though it isn’t meaningless. So it was kinda nice to spend time with my mom this mother’s day because we actually took time to just, “be”, not just running through life as normal.

Next is my father…

This one is going to be fun. My mother and I have always been close. My father on the other hand… there has always been a wall, maybe a screen between us. We interact with one another but I don’t know if either one of us really know how to act around one another.

It’s been like that for years. Sometimes I feel like I need a secret decoder ring to make sense of it sometimes. There is a lot that is left unsaid. I know he loves me I just don’t think I’ve heard him say it… it sad I really can’t remember a time. It has just been an unspoken assumption.

I don’t even know what I would do if he did say it… wait I know given that when he said he was proud of me when I graduated college I literally broke down to the point that people were actually concerned about me. So I’m suspecting a similar response.

So I have choosen to follow suit  and write my father “the letter” for Father’s Day. I’m ready to put everything in the past and start a new. He did his best and what he thought was the best for me. The older I’ve gotten the more I realized that I am a lot like him with a slice of crazy from my mom.

They are so polar opposite. My mother is emotional and my father is not at least on the outside. I’ve seen him cry once, at a funeral, and get mad only a few times. Never at me. He is my silent protector. My mother said that when they dropped me off at college for the first time my father cried on the way home. I hope that with this letter I can start the healing between the two of us.

It would be nice.

Now that I’ve written a book and shed a tear or two. I think I should probably go to bed.

I apologize for no prom dress pic. I’m still waiting for one.